Well....it's the middle (ok, past the middle) of January already. Wow...how did THAT happen? I just flew back into CO Springs again for another 3 weeks. Of course, the last few weeks have been in the 50s and 60's...and then it SNOWED yesterday, and the forecast is a high in the 40's (or lower) for the next TWO WEEKS! Of course, that could change any time...and I sure HOPE it does (for the better, let's just get that right out). I will have my mt bike as always...pick it up from work tomorrow and bring it back to my hotel.
Anyway, life in our family took a terrible turn for the worse a bit over a week ago. Our Mom had her 9 month cancer scan (after the first 6 months of chemo things were shrinking so her oncologist switched her to 2 diff chemo's to try to shrink what's in her lungs)...a week ago Thurs was the scan n Friday was her appt w/ her oncologist. Well. It seem that NONE of us were ready for the results...we were all expecting continued progress, and maybe even to set a date for surgery to remove the shrunken original ovarian tumor. That was not to be. It seems the cancer stopped shrinking and was attacking anew...now she has spots all over her liver which was clear 3 months ago. Her oncologist said she's sorry but it's beyond hope and stopped her chemo, and said to make her final arrangements...gave here 6 months...give or take (said she really didn't know and it was just a guess).
To say that we ALL were totally dumbstruck and blindsided would be an understatement of biblical proportions! Thank goodness my little brother was there...he had flown in to help w/ the financial stuff (Moms husband John is now in a nursing home, and the state is looking to get money, looking at things like taking his house, maybe my moms house, any money they have saved, their annuities, stuff like that). Mom took it all pretty hard obviously (her surprise diagnosis)...even tho her husband is in a nursing home (where she has a little apartment attached to it so she could walk over and be with him pretty much all day every day, except chemo Fridays) she has been still 'sort of' his caregiver...keeping the nursing home staff on their toes making sure they do it right and don't skimp on him.
So...now what to do? She is up in Minnesota (they went there for her Chemo as that's where her husband is from and their health insurance is based there, they can only be out of state for so much time each year...so they couldn't stay at her place down in Arizona for her treatment). So back last May they flew to MN for her to begin treatment, and it wasn't very long after that when her husband started a RAPID decline in his health...he has Parkinson's and leukemia...but it's been pretty well under control and he was quite able-bodied and able to drive the golf cart down in Yuma, and pretty much take care of himself.... and suddenly he declined so far so fast that they had no choice but to put him in a nursing home...certainly my Mom can't take care of him...(her oncologist stressed that from the start that she is NOT to be his caregiver, or she wouldn't even consider starting her on Chemo). Her diagnosis of stage 4 Ovarian cancer REALLY wiped him out and he declined so rapidly from that point, it was hard to believe!
I have to admit that we all were truly thinking she would beat this...or at least get it to a point where she was keeping it at bay and live rather normally. But that wasn't to be...seems we were looking at it thru rose colored glasses. And now she's SO far away from all of her family (me and my brothers) that we can't possibly mount any kind of continued presense. John's girls (he has 3) are all up in MN in that general area...but 2 of them live 3 hours away, and the other is fighting major health concerns of her own right now...so they aren't able to 'be there' for him at the nursing home either.
Being as the diagnosis for Mom is terminal (and who really knows how much time she has...her Dr. said the 6 months was just a guess..it could go wildly either way)...so my brother asked her to come back with him to his home in Texas where they would care for her until the end. She finally agreed (she realized that she was leaving her husband fairly soon one way or another, but if she goes to TX at least she won't be ALONE...and if she waits too long she won't be able to travel..so there was a time constraint to the horrible decision). So last Friday she said goodby to her beloved husband for the very last time and got on a plane w/ my brother and flew to TX. I can't possibly fathom how hard that was for her to do...it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. And I know that my brother has been a true Rock of Gibraltar thru the last week and a half of HELL ON EARTH...I can't even begin to say how difficult it was for him to get this far.
So...Mom is now down in TX with family...I will likely fly down to visit when I leave CO in early Feb, as I'm really hoping to see her before things get really bad...and we all will just take it from there.
And so....just WOW! How quickly life can throw a wicked curve-ball at you! We are all (my family) pretty much in uncharted territory here...as we've never dealt with anything like this before. We're VERY happy that Mom is with my little brother and his family...they are really (REALLY!) awesome people...probably the best people I know...and it's by FAR the best place I can think of for her to be thru this end of life ordeal.
Well...that about brings you up to date with our descent into a not very fun time. I guess everybody goes thru something of this nature, as their parents get old and eventually pass on. I guess there are better and worse ways for life to end, and none of us get to choose. We can only hope to go without pain and hopefully as easy on the remaining family as possible. I forge the quote, but it's something like "none of us will get out of this life alive".
Hi Matt, I'm so very sorry about your Mom. I just stopped by for a quick read & skimmed (for now, I'll read in depth tonight) your post.
ReplyDeleteMy dad died in October. The day after my birthday & 11 days before his 93rd. The last several months have been very difficult & is the reason I hadn't been stopping by. (Belated Merry Xmas to you & Jeannie!)
My dad had gotten sick over the summer & was in & out of the hospital but I never thought he would die. For years whenever my dad would spit out how he was "gettin' old" when his knees creaked when getting up from his chair, I'd always shriek back "OLD?! Dad, you're going to live till 100!" Up until he got Lyme disease about 20 years ago, my dad was almost always very healthy. He'd gotten pneumonia once in his 20's (before he married) & then again in his 30s (when I was very young), but other than that, he seemed to be the healthiest person I knew. The Lyme disease affected him the rest of his life because the dumbass doctors in our county didn't diagnose & treat it in time. Still, I doubt that had anything to do with his final illness. I'm not sure what it was but he did have COPD at the end. In the old days, they'd just say you died of "old age" when you passed after you 80s.
It's great that your Mom will be with your brother & have that comfort. To be alone would be terrible & is something I worry about for myself (single, no kids & not close to my nieces at this time).
I'll be thinking about you & your Mom & hoping for the least amount of pain for you both. Life of course is filled with tragedy, aging, illness & eventually death, circle of life & all that, but no matter how you think you can prepare yourself for a loved one's (parent, spouse, sibling, child) passing, you can't really. You just have to be grateful for the time you had together on this earth & hope you can pass on any life wisdom you learned & /or happiness from them to someone else.
Take care, Matt.
Hey Susie, great to hear from you again! And also I'm so VERY sorry to hear about your dad. It's so crazy how things go...one day everything is roses and the next it's coal. Things change so fast...and we deal with it as best we can.
DeleteWe always looked at my mom thinking she would easily make 100...just last March my brothers and I drove over to AZ to be with her for her 83rd birthday...she had a cough she just couldn't' shake, but other than that she was as always...energy incarnate. I always tell people that if you had assigned the Energizer Bunny to shadow her for just a day he'd quit...she would have worn him out. She eats healthy, never smoked or drank, exercises all the time...and BAM! Stage 4 Cancer. I can only think that we all will likely die from (or at least fight) cancer one day..it's that prevalent. Whether it's our air, water, food, something else entirely or a combination of these things, it's SO EVERYWHERE these days...seems everybody is getting it no matter your income range or how well (or not) you try to take care of yourself.
And I hear you on the 'being alone' one day fear. And hey...it doesn't matter if you're 'with' someone or not...they can suddenly go and then BAM...you're alone all of a sudden. In fact it seems at least half of us will be alone at one point. It seems the best you can hope for would be a Thelma and Louise ending.
Anyway, sure glad to hear you're ok...I was worried something had happened to you...it HAS been quite a while now!
I am sad to see that you both are having to deal with these profound losses. Susie, I hope that you are starting to feel some peace and comfort. I know that I still miss my dad, 8 years later.
ReplyDeleteAnd Matt, it is a wonderful gift that you have good family that can care for your mother (including you). I believe that my step-mother survived 5 years after her ovarian cancer diagnosis as much due to her faith and the support of her close friends, niece and daughter (far closer to her than I ever was) as to her treatments. The last year was difficult; but I don't think she was ever "ready" for the end even though she knew (in her head, but never in her heart) from the beginning that it would be fatal. I do think that is why she lingered so long at the end -- just not ready to let go.
Hugs to you both, my internet friends.
Rae
Hey Rae, thanks for the kind words. Jeannie and I fly to Houston on Friday for a few days, time to spend w/ Mom before things really start to get bad. So far she's doing pretty good (considering). I'm sure she won't be the same person I spent a few weeks with back in June during her chemo...already the pictures my little bro has sent she looks pretty thin suddenly. Then depending on how things go, likely my next trip will be when she goes into hospice. Gosh, is this what we all have to look forward to? Seems pretty grim...
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